


Have Yourself a Very Bluth Christmas

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Arrested Development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-20
Updated: 2006-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1624328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU after 2.06, Afternoon Delight. Michael is forced to attend his mother's annual Christmas party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have Yourself a Very Bluth Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> I am so grateful to my wonderful beta, chibirhm (Julia), for pitching idea after idea for the fic. Also -- I kind of borrowed the style of the fic from rozfics over on LJ. She wrote the most brilliant AD/Office crossover called Mockumentary, which is just. I can't do it justice. Go read it.
> 
> Written for shanalle

 

 

NARRATOR: Due to the unfortunate incident of having two holiday parties so close to each other, Michael decided that he had enough of Christmas festivities. When he and George Michael finished rebuilding the banana stand, Michael came up with a new idea. He chose instead to spend Christmas Eve with his son in the Model Home, watching _Wheel of Fortune_ on the TiVo and maybe breaking out the Cornballer.

[Insert a series of still shots: MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL rolling cornballs in the kitchen when MICHAEL sets his hand against the surface; MICHAEL holding a frozen steak to his burned hand; MICHAEL and GEORGE MICHAEL sitting on the living room couch, on the edges of their seats, yelling at the screen.]

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, the effects of Lucille's "Afternoon Delight" did not last as long as Michael had hoped and the quality time with his son was compromised.

[INT. THE MODEL HOME: The phone is ringing in the kitchen and MICHAEL gets up from the couch to go answer it.]

MICHAEL: [Picks up.] Hello, Mother.

LUCILLE: Michael! Where are you? Why aren't you here yet?

NARRATOR: Michael had very conveniently forgotten Lucille's annual Christmas party held for close family and friends. It was a long-standing holiday tradition.

[Insert a series of photographs: BUSTER, at age 5, screaming and hiding from GEORGE SR. who's dressed up like Santa Claus; GOB, at age 13, sprouting tinsel from his sleeves; a family picture -- MICHAEL, age 15, posing with his siblings and parents, all are smiling except LINDSAY who is dressed all in black and smoking.]

LUCILLE: I need you here, Michael. There's chaos everywhere. I told Lupe she just couldn't take Christmas off; you know how Buster is with ribbons.

[Insert clip: BUSTER is swathed in ribbons and is skipping around the kitchen island in Lucille's apartment singing, "Ribbons! Riiiiibbons! Ribbony-ribbons!"]

LUCILLE: He's almost as bad as he gets when he has juice. I need you to do something, Michael. She's insisting that she needs to leave. For God's sake, it's not like her house is on fire or something -- not that the shack she owns can even be _called_ a house.

MICHAEL: Yeah, no, I understand, Mom, I mean it's a minor holiday; it only celebrates the _birth of Jesus._ No one even acknowledges it.

LUCILLE: You see, I knew you'd understand, Michael. Now come over here and explain that to Lupe.

MICHAEL: Mom, I'm celebrating Christmas with my son --

LUCILLE: I knew it! You've always been heartless, Michael. You've never cared about your family. Well, that's okay. I have the rest of my children here --

NARRATOR: This was a lie. Gob was missing.

[Insert clip: GOB arrives at LUCILLE'S apartment and knocks on the door. LUCILLE opens the door and GOB holds up the present he's brought with a smile. LUCILLE gives him a bored look and shuts the door in his face. GOB seems as if in shock. The door opens again and LUCILLE plucks the present from GOB'S hands. The door slams shut again.]

LUCILLE: -- and you're unneeded! Well, I hope you have a very merry Christmas, Michael, because Santa is bringing you COAL!

[The phone slams down and MICHAEL is left holding the receiver in one hand, listening to the dial tone. He heaves a sigh and goes into the living room.]

MICHAEL: Hey, buddy, how would you feel if we put on our coats and headed over to Gangy's Christmas party?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh, really? Yeah. Sure. I mean, _Wheel of Fortune_ gets kind of boring after eleven episodes.

MICHAEL: Yeah? I mean, I kind of enjoy it...

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, Dad, can I bring Ann?

MICHAEL: [Pauses.] ...Who?

GEORGE MICHAEL: ...Ann. My, uh, girlfriend.

[There is another long pause.]

MICHAEL: Her?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah. I mean. Ann's pretty crazy about Christmas. You should see it. It's kind of adorable.

MICHAEL: Egg's crazy about Christmas, huh? Uh -- sure -- go ahead and call her. The more the merrier. [He heads into the kitchen.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: [To his father's receding back.] Ann. It's Ann.

[Cut to: INT. LUCILLE'S APARTMENT.]

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at Lucille's, the party was in full swing.

[Only LINDSAY and TOBIAS are seen in the living room, while ICE, the bounty hunter, is circling with a tray of hors d'oeuvers -- canapés and deviled eggs. LINDSAY keeps taking deviled eggs in order to flirt with ICE; when he turns his back, the eggs go into one of LUCILLE'S potted plants. TOBIAS is sitting on the couch, suspicious of the way LINDSAY is interacting with ICE. However, he can do nothing about this as he's still deaf.]

NARRATOR: Lucille had sent out invitations several weeks prior, but word apparently spread fast among the wealthy population of Newport Beach. That, and a clip of a stoned Lucille was shown on the local news.

[Insert clip: LUCILLE is walking very slowly along the beach, when she notices a shark fin in the distant waters. She starts heading towards it, through the waves.]

[The doorbell rings and LUPE appears to answer the door. She has on a face of utmost resentment. The door swings open to reveal MICHAEL, GEORGE MICHAEL, and ANN. MICHAEL has a Macy's bag of presents.]

MICHAEL: Lupe! Hola, hola. Feliz Navidades. Here is a _present._ [He pulls out a gift for LUPE from the bag. It's very obviously fruit basket-shaped.] Huh? Yeah?

LUPE: ...Merry Christmas, Señor Michael. Thank you. [She takes the fruit basket and turns it over in her hands, confused, and walks back towards the kitchen.]

MICHAEL: Hey, well, it looks...lively. [He surveys the room. No one else has come by to greet him.] George Michael, why don't you and Bland go get a drink?

GEORGE MICHAEL: [To no avail.] Ann, Dad. It's Ann.

MICHAEL: [Pats him on the shoulder.] Sure, buddy. [He makes his way over to TOBIAS on the couch.] Merry Christmas, Tobias.

TOBIAS: OH. IS THAT YOU, MICHAEL? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

MICHAEL: ...No. I guess not.

TOBIAS: I LOOK HOT? I DON'T THINK THAT'S APPROPRIATE, MICHAEL, BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU'VE DEMONSTRATED HOMOSEXUAL URGES. THAT'S OKAY, MICHAEL. I'M HERE TO LISTEN.

MICHAEL: ...I'm going to go find Mom. Good talking to you, Tobias. [He gets up and heads to the dining room.]

TOBIAS: OH HO, MICHAEL, YOU'RE A WILY ONE. SORRY. I LIKE GIRLS.

NARRATOR: While Michael was searching for his mother in the kitchen, Lucille was searching for Oscar in the bedrooms.

[LUCILLE enters BUSTER'S bedroom. It looks like BUSTER has fallen asleep on his head, still tangled in multicolored ribbons. A bow is taped to his nose and it moves when he exhales. In the corner, OSCAR is sitting in the hand chair and smoking a joint. LUCILLE jumps.]

LUCILLE: [In a whisper.] What the hell are you doing, Oscar? I told you -- no illegal drugs in the house! And in Buster's room! You're going to turn my baby boy into a POTHEAD.

OSCAR: [Whispers as well, though his voice is nowhere as hushed as hers.] I am trying to spend time with my _son_ , Lucille!

LUCILLE: Oh, for God's sake, Oscar -- shut _up._ It looks like you've smoked enough! Get out of here! Get out! Oh, I wish I knew where George was -- OUT!

NARRATOR: It was at that moment that the doorbell rang again.

LUCILLE: [As she pushes OSCAR into the living room, answers the door.] What is it?

DELIVERY MAN: I have a large Hawaiian for a Mrs. Lucille Bluth.

LUCILLE: But I didn't order any pizza.

DELIVERY MAN: And I'm not a delivery man! [He whips off the hat and wig to reveal --] Gene Parmesan, at your service. I heard you cried for help.

LUCILLE: [Screams, delighted.] Oh, he got me again! Look, Gene got me again!

LINDSAY: Give it a rest, Mother.

LUCILLE: I'm still looking for George, Gene. But don't tell Oscar.

[The shot quickly pans over to OSCAR, who is investigating the potted plant of deviled eggs and canapés.]

OSCAR: [Eating.] Compliments to the chef! Oh, this one has extra pepper...

LUCILLE: Do you want to stay for the party?

GENE: Sorry. I can't. I have work to do. [He hands the presumed Hawaiian pizza to LUCILLE and leaves.]

[Cut to: INT. HALLWAY.]

NARRATOR: It was at that precise moment that Lucille Austero opened her door, ready to attend Lucille Bluth's party, and ran into the now bewigged Gene Parmesan.

[LUCILLE 2 exits her apartment and gives a little jump when she sees the new stranger.]

LUCILLE 2: Why...hello!

NARRATOR: She found him to be very attractive.

[LUCILLE 2 fans herself.]

NARRATOR: So she asked him to accompany her to the Bluth Christmas party. As for Gene Parmesan, he couldn't say no without compromising his identity. He accepted.

[GENE PARMESAN kisses LUCILLE 2's hand.]

NARRATOR: It was then that Gob showed up, determined to attend the family Christmas party by going as Lucille 2's date.

[GOB rounds the corner of the hallway, a bouquet of flowers in one hand, and a Santa hat on his head.]

NARRATOR: He was sadly disappointed.

[GOB holds the flowers and walks off like Charlie Brown, with the Charlie Brown music playing.]

NARRATOR: Gob was determined attend the holiday party, thinking that the reason that he was excluded was because they were all talking about him. They were not. But Gob found no alternative but to beg his mother into letting him attend.

[Cut to: INT. BUSTER'S ROOM. BUSTER stirs.]

BUSTER: ...Mother? MOTHER? ...Why does it smell so funny in here?

LUCILLE: [Comes in.] What is it, Buster?

BUSTER: Mother, I would like some juice. I am a man now. An army man.

LUCILLE: No juice, Buster. You know how you get.

BUSTER: You let Gob have juice when he's here. You let him have all the juice he wants. You just love him more than me, don't you? YOU'RE JUST ANGRY THAT I AM A MAN NOW, MOTHER. YOU HAVE NO ONE TO HARASS.

LUCILLE: I knew the army was bad for you. They've turned my baby into a monster. Oh, God, I need another glass of wine. [She leaves.]

[The doorbell rings. LUCILLE stops and opens the door. It's GOB.]

LUCILLE: Oh, it's you.

GOB: Hi, Mom.

LUCILLE: Well, what do you want? Hurry up.

GOB: I would...like to attend the Christmas party.

LUCILLE: [Looks at him for a minute.] No. [Shuts the door in his face.]

NARRATOR: Gob decided to attempt another tactic.

[Insert clip: GOB falls upon LUCILLE'S door, banging with his fists and yelling, "PLEASE, PLEASE, LET ME IN!"]

NARRATOR: This also did not work. But fortunately for Gob, it was then that Maeby arrived to attend the Christmas party.

[MAEBY rounds the corner, still dressed her producer's outfit. She has a stack of scripts in one arm and a cell phone pressed to her ear.]

GOB: Maeby! Maeby! Hey!

MAEBY: [Into the phone.] I gotta go, Rob. Give Shirley and the kids my love. [Shuts the phone and stows it in her cleavage.] Uncle Gob! What...are you doing in the hall?

GOB: ...Waiting for you! I have a treat for you!

NARRATOR: Gob did not want to appear desperate in front of his young and impressionable niece.

MAEBY: Oh. Really? What is it?

GOB: It's...inside!

MAEBY: ...Okay.

[She knocks on the door. Seconds later it is opened by ICE with a tray.]

MAEBY: Hey, Ice. [Enters the apartment.]

GOB: [Attempts to do the same, but is blocked by ICE.]

ICE: I was told that you couldn't come.

GOB: Hey, friend, come on!

ICE: You are not my friend. [Shuts the door in his face.]

[GOB walks away again, still holding the flowers and wearing the Santa hat, with the Charlie Brown music playing.]

NARRATOR: As the party got underway, Lucille found herself face-to-face with LUCILLE 2.

LUCILLE 2: Oh, Lucille, this is just a wonderful party. Really wonderful. Your caterer is just a charm. I think I have a friend who'd be interested.

LUCILLE: Why thank you, Lucille. I'm so happy that you could attend.

NARRATOR: This was a lie.

LUCILLE: I mean, I just feel that we don't speak anymore. It breaks my heart.

NARRATOR: This was also a lie.

LUCILLE: We were just the closest of friends when George was still around.

NARRATOR: Lie.

LUCILLE: And, well, _your_ husband was _never_ around. I mean, he was so nice, always driving that Mexican maid of yours home.

NARRATOR: This was, surprisingly, true.

LUCILLE: Have a good time, dear! [Blows her a kiss and goes off.]

[Pans to: MAEBY, GEORGE MICHAEL, and ANN are sitting on the couch, drinking juice and watching LINDSAY trying to flirt with ICE. GEORGE MICHAEL looks distinctly uncomfortable, squished between the girls.]

MAEBY: She is just so pathetic. I can't believe she's my mother.

ANN: It's no wonder that you turned out to be such a hussy.

GEORGE MICHAEL: [Nervously laughing.] Ha, well, um, I'm really having a good time. Aren't you having a good time, Ann? Uh...Maeby?

MAEBY: [Mutters under her breath.] Takes one to know one.

ANN: I beg your pardon?

GEORGE MICHAEL: You know, Ann, I mean, maybe you shouldn't be calling people hussies. I mean, I thought Jesus taught about love and, um...

ANN: I can't believe that you're siding with her!

GEORGE MICHAEL: I'm just -- I'm just saying!

MAEBY: Whatever. I'm going to get a drink. [Gets up.]

[MAEBY reaches the drink table. There is a bottle of vodka next to the punch bowl. She picks it up and looks at the punch bowl. MAEBY unscrews the top of the vodka and pours the contents into the punch bowl.]

GENE PARMESAN: Do I know you from somewhere? I did some infiltration at Warner Brothers studio last week and you look awfully familiar...

MAEBY: [Laughs loudly.] Marry me!

GENE PARMESAN: [Starts laughing along.]

BUSTER: [Comes by behind them and notices the punch bowl.] Oh, juice!

[Cut to: LINDSAY flirting with ICE. She's giggling and putting her hand on his arm. TOBIAS notices from across the room and moves closer.]

LINDSAY: [Chewing on something undistinguishable.] These are just so good! I have never tasted anything like this! What do you put in these?

ICE: My secret ingredient is cayenne pepper.

TOBIAS: OH MY GOD, YOU'VE TOUCHED HIS PECKER???

LINDSAY: [Hisses.] Tobias, go away!

ICE: And then I whisk --

TOBIAS: YOU DO _WHAT_ WITH YOUR FIST?? THAT IS JUST _DIS_ GUSTING!

LINDSAY: Tobias, shut up! [Smiles at ICE. She picks up a small, flaky cookie from the tray.] And what about these?

ICE: Well, to make those cookies, I have to roll the dough into balls first --

TOBIAS: NO, I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I REALLY DON'T SWING THAT WAY.

ICE: Then I put the nuts on top --

TOBIAS: HONESTLY, SIR. I SAID NO. NO MEANS NO. HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

NARRATOR: As Ice continued to explain to Lindsay the ingredients he used in his cookies, there was a sudden disruption of the party.

[There is a loud crash in the living room, and the camera pans to the balcony doors which are now broken. Glass is scattered across the floor. A second later, GOB comes tumbling in through the doors.]

GOB: [Grinning.] Ta-da.

NARRATOR: Gob had scaled the apartment building in order to crash the party.

[Insert clip: GOB is clinging to the side of the building. The camera zooms in a little as GOB'S grip looks rather tenacious. He can be heard yelling, "I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE."]

NARRATOR: At the same time, the spiked punch BUSTER had consumed began to hit him.

BUSTER: OH MY DARLIN', OH MY DARLIN', OH MY DAAAAAAAAARLIN' CLEEEEEEMEENTIIIIIINE! [Giggles.] THIS IS BEST JUICE EVER!

NARRATOR: Lucille was horrified.

LUCILLE: Oscar, this is entirely your influence!

OSCAR: What? I don't -- D-don't move so fast! I can't follow!

NARRATOR: It was in the chaos that Michael saw his opportunity to give Lupe a Christmas present better than a fruit basket.

MICHAEL: [Ushers LUPE into the side entrance of the kitchen.] Okay, leave now, Lupe! Have a merry Christmas!

LUPE: Thank you, Señor Michael!

NARRATOR: The noise at the party triggered Lucille's Austero's vertigo.

[Cut to: LUCILLE 2 dizzyingly holding onto the dining room table for balance.]

NARRATOR: Ice took this as deep appreciation for his catering, and found himself suddenly attracted to Lucille 2.

[ICE helps Lucille 2 up and the two of them carefully leave the apartment.]

MAEBY: Hey -- is the party over?

[Everybody looks around. The apartment has indeed been deserted.]

MICHAEL: Yeah. I guess everyone left.

ANN: I'm still here, Mr. Bluth.

MICHAEL: ...Right.

NARRATOR: Because Lupe had been snuck of the apartment, there was nobody left to clean up. So the whole family pitched in to sweep up the glass and to put a passed out Buster to bed.

[Insert clip: MICHAEL has BUSTER'S head and is hauling him into bed. GOB has the feet, and TOBIAS is sipping the leftover cup of punch of BUSTER'S.]

NARRATOR: And, afterwards, Michael was surprised to discover that he was actually happy, spending Christmas Eve with his family. Well. Minus one.

[Insert clip: GEORGE SR. is setting up a Christmas-themed tea party with the dolls in the attic. He offers one of them a piece of something hard. "Fruitcake?"]

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, Dad?

MICHAEL: Yeah?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Merry Christmas. I love you.

MICHAEL: I love you too, buddy. I love you too. [He reaches over ANN to pat GEORGE MICHAEL on the back.]

_On the next Arrested Development:_

[Insert clip: ICE wakes up next to LUCILLE 2, naked. He notices her and turns around with a horrified expression and says, "I've made a huge mistake."]

NARRATOR: And Buster wakes up with a punch-induced hangover.

[Insert clip: BUSTER sits up in his bed and puts a hand to his head, groaning, "Oh my God, that juice _hurt._ " He glances next to him and sees a sleeping GENE PARMESAN. BUSTER screams.]

 

 

 


End file.
